Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
why would tinder want me to say this
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle