Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’