Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault