Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe