Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.