Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
🤣🤣🤣
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
oh my god
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here