If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
we all know this pain all too well
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
#CoronaOutbreak
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor