I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat