Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Ha
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Not today
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.