Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.