Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me too, bag. Me too….
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.