It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.