Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
this is the best day of my life
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus