@runawaycupcake: Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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@AtticusFinch79: [face to face with a serial killer] Me: So this is how it ends. SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
@cm_rutvik: Jeff: i'm pro gun. Me: i'm anti gun. Greg: i'm vegan. Me: i'm pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
@stanleybehrman: Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.