Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.