Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.