Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft