Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The first one, obviously
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.