Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
#TopTip
Flock of bats
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly