@The_MartiniGirl: Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
@rickkondell: There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.