Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.