*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You Might Also Like
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right