@AngelaEhh: Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.
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@tchrquotes: My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like"Love you," & "DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
@RuinMyWeek: If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
@thenoahkinsey: I peeled off the sticker that said "Don't consume alcohol while on medication." I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.