Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.