Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Before & after 😅
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”