@DannyZuker: Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
@ComedyCentral: "If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." -Taylor Swift's moment of revenge
@pixelatedboat: This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: