Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.