Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I really had high hopes for this year though