Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
You Might Also Like
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
wtf is a larm clock?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Spring of Deception
A French press is when you hug naked
Put this video in the Louvre
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”