Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
🏙👨🏼
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!