Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
He took my last fry, your honor
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!