Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.