Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I found your tweet-up…
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
my dog when i have a friend over
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”