Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Quadruple digit IQ
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?