Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Not messing around
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Lube but for my dry humor.