Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”