@MaraWilson: Pretty sure "see less from" is to Facebook what "close door" is to an elevator
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@dumbbeezie: Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don't forget what it looks like outside
@LizHackett: I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don't know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
@stephenjmolloy: *dog comes up to me* "I think he likes me!" Cop: "We are going to search you for drugs now."
@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet