Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.