@heytherejeffro: Pretty sure the "FINISH HIM" guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
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@pleatedjeans: Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@stephenjmolloy: *dog comes up to me* "I think he likes me!" Cop: "We are going to search you for drugs now."