@heytherejeffro: Pretty sure the "FINISH HIM" guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
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@thepaulahunt: My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: "You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there." Me: "Sure I don't."
@psybermonkey: *Movie's 10 second sex scene begins My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'
@elle91: Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can't because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
@Book_Krazy: 9: Whatcha watching? Me: Tiny Houses. 9: Wow it's tiny! Who's gonna live there? Me: Two people. 9: Are they married? Me: Not for long.