@WilliamAder: Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.
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@truegritrumble: ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis. ME: Yep. ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
@GalaxyKate: Academic paper protip: end your Conclusion section with "just as the old woman in the forest predicted" or "in defiance of the prophecies"
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "You have lost a lot of blood." Me: "That's not good." Doctor: "It's not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen."