Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Florida man
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.