Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”