@AmberDonn: Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him. You'll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
@xLiserx: *Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*
@Mardigroan: Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn't improved since fourth grade.
@heyevergreen: if you take a selfie at a dad's funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears