Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
You Might Also Like
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?