Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this