Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
lmao
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’ve had worse
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.