Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t