After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??