Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.