Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[montage of me giving-up]
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy