oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.