9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
You Might Also Like
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
She: I like Cats
He:
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.