*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Rather alarming headline…
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question