When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
You Might Also Like
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Worst bar ever.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.