Previously On Persistence 😎
You Might Also Like
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor