Previously On Persistence 😎
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
You sure about that?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Goodnight 🐶
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being