PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.